My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
