I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
