I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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