thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
