wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
