Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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