listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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