He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My ass is underappreciated
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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