My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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