i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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