If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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