my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
