Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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