She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
