shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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