I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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