it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
