can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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