Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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