I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
