You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I looked at my own cervix.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize