he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
