I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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