if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
