im holly from the hills drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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