I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
