She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
