oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
