It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You left your phone here
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