I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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