So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
