mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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