I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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