ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
