then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
