She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
