I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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