Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
