So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
FUCK WHALES
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