Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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