The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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