My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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