More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
