My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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