WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
