I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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