i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
