And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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