i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just gargled with NyQuil
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
