I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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