you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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