At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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