Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
