Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
