She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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