He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Randomize
