It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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