Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
